A Tribute to Squirrely Shirley

My grandmother recently passed away. It was a rather unexpected event for my family and I. She was in the hospital for a routine cancer related surgery and acquired an infection that killed her pretty much immediately. I have found peace in knowing that she left this earth quickly and hopefully without a lot of pain.

Thankfully in my short 23 years I have not had to deal with death a lot, but even with my limited experience I am amazed at all of the emotions and questions that come along with the difficult event. Is it okay to cry or do I need to be the strong one right now? If I cry does that mean that I am not strong? Would grandma want me to be this upset? Should I be happy that I had as good of a relationship with her as I did? Is it okay to be happy? I just kept running through all of these emotions in such a quick manner it was becoming hard on my heart. Sinking low with the sad thoughts and then lifting up when I thought of a beautiful memory that had her in it.

The day after my Grandma Shirley’s passing I was passing time by perusing through Jason Mraz’s twitter account (some would be ashamed to admit this, but I quit being ashamed of my obsession with Mr. A-Z months ago). Right at the top of the page was his stage quote for the day: “When in doubt, be grateful.” -Matthew Engelhart. I found an intense amount of clarity in this quotation. It is true I still slip up now and again wondering if I am doing this right, as if there is a right or a wrong way to mourn, but then after the tears have dried and the confusion has passed I remind myself..that I need to just be grateful.

I have decided that I am grateful that I had two sets of really incredible, deeply loving, and hard working grandparents. I am grateful that though their spouses have passed now that my Grandma Sinn and my Grandpa Harlin loved my Grandpa Sinn and my Grandma Shirley. They raised families together, they held grandkids together and they laughed and cried together throughout the years. I will miss my Grandma a lot. It will be hard to see my Grandpa without her in tow, and it will be hard to step into her house around the holidays knowing that I won’t get to hear her laugh…but I hope that when my emotions get the best of me I will take the time to remember…to just be grateful for all of the times that we had together.

Some pictures that I took pretty recently (thank goodness!) of my silly Grandma!

What Are Your Gift's?

Last Wednesday night I found myself among a room full of minds looking for the answers on How To Be A Peacemaker. The man with the answers was Colman McCarthy, a syndicated columnist, editorial page writer for The Washington Post, an adjunct professor for Georgetown Law, on top of many other things. McCarthy was an amazing speaker who spoke on nonviolent conflict resolution as well as many other things. I held onto his every word throughout his lecture. I found myself wishing I had brought a pen and paper so that I could write down all of his thoughts to properly digest them later.

Midway through the lecture McCarthy is talking about how everyone in his audience has gifts. Then he tells us to stop and think about these gifts and ask ourselves if we are truly using these gifts to make our world better. “Up until this point,” he says, “you have been given every gift to make you the person that you are today.” He wasn’t talking about being gifted in the conventional way that you always think of…”He is super smart, she can write really well, he is outrageously fast…” McCarthy was talking about the bigger picture.

I have been given amazing supportive parents with big hearts who always had time for my brother and I. Mamma Julie, as she we fondly refer to her, would do anything for her children. I will always remember how much she loved it when Zach or I would unexpectedly show up with a group of friends expecting supper.She never ever complained about that, even when Zach and all his football friends that could eat us out of house and home would show. She loved moments like that, when her cooking skills got an impromptu lesson, and we all loved her for it.Among all of my friends Mamma Julie’s cooking is famous.They talk about it for months and months after the meal is over.I will always appreciate my mom for those moments.

Papa Tom always has a big heart that is quick to lend a helping hand whoever needs it. I remember acknowledging that trait in him from a very young age. He organized softball tournaments for kids in the community that were sick to help their parents with the medical bills that were no doubt piling up. Now that my dad owns and operates his own construction company he is always doing something to make someone else better than they were before, often doing much more than they originally requested at a better rate and better quality than they could find anywhere else.

Then there is my brother, the good ol’ younger brother that most people dread to talk about and often leave out of discussions of love. No me though, without fail he always puts a smile on my face. I can never imagine loving someone more than I love him. When I think about my love for him I understand why parents say that they would do absolutely anything for their kids. Though I have no child of my own I can imagine that the way I feel about him is not much father from how I will feel about my own children should I ever have any. We have a very unique relationship, never really having been in a fight. I can’t remember a time when we didn’t get a long, always in awe over siblings that were always at each other’s throats. This was a concept that Brother and I were never aware of. I won’t spend too much time on him because the thought of missing him brings me to tears all too often. He is amazing influence on everything that I do. I always want to be the best person that I can be so that he knows that the world is his. The award to my favorite person in the whole wide world goes to Zach, any day of the week.

After family is always the discussion of friends, mine are something wonderful. There is Amanda, the same best friend that I have had since I was in 7^th grade. Though life has sent each us of down very very different paths we have such a love for one another that couldn’t be duplicated. I don’t think I tell her enough how much I appreciate our history together and the future that is still to come. Though time has tarnished our relationship to something very different than it once was when we do manage to get together it is still amazing.

Then there is my team of friends in my current life. The writing of this blog got put on hold for the weekend, I swore that I would get around to it this weekend, but the truth is I was spending too much time with them that of course it couldn’t get done, they were more important, they will always be more important. There are 4 of them that are a constant staple in my weekend life. It doesn’t fail that Friday night I get a text or a phone call from all of them asking what is going on. This Friday for sure was no exception. Matt is always the first to call or text to see what is going on simply because he gets off work first. He makes the long trek down from Grand Island multiple times in a weekend to Hastings to be with all of us, truth be told when it isn’t the 5 of us it feels weird. Casey showed up next, fresh off a bus full of High School Cross Country kids. Tyler then makes his bald headed appearance. And when Brian is finally off work he shows up and the night always goes from there. This past Friday found us all at my house eating a meal that Matt, Casey and I cooked together while waiting for the other two boys to show up. The evening that followed was one filled with great discussion, laughter, music and an epic rubber-band fight that will leave me finding ammunition for weeks to come in various nooks and crannies of my apartment. J The memories from that evening will no doubt bring me warmth and a smile for many years to come. I remember thinking a few times throughout the evening how much I was going to miss this when I was gone. How painful it might be during my lonely African evenings knowing that the four of them were together without me. I love our little group and the love that we bring to each other. I really can’t help but think about how I am going to miss it when I am gone. But I also know that it will be here when I get back.

Though I know that there are many more things that I have been given that I need to take the time to express my gratitude for, as it stands now the above are my most valuable gifts. And since this blog took me so long to write, for you faithful followers I am now approximately 9,997 hours closer to being an fantastic writer. If you are someone reading this blog never doubt that you are a wonderful gift that has been given to me and I am glad.

Until next time-

Magz

Naked and Blogging

So, it has been nearly a week since my first entry. I can’t quit thinking about it either, I loved the feeling of blogging and now find myself constantly wondering what bit of inspiration will get my fingers moving across the keys again. Though I am sure I have plenty of good ideas I am often tripped up by the all to human state of mind…”what if it isn’t that good?” That thought usually immediately counteracted by my who gives a fuck attitude, again followed by something negative like “who the hell is gonna read it anyways Magz?” Then a few days ago whilst surfing through one of my daily websites I found something that would help me with this attitude….

The 10,000 hour rule. Simple as it sounds, writer Malcom Gladwell makes the simple observation that anyone that is considered an expert in any given field spent at least 10,000 hours to get to that point. I don’t know why this seems like such an outlandish concept: Michael Jordan, hours and hours on the court to be the best, Michael Phelps, hour upon miles upon laps in the pool to be the best, Jason Mraz, hours and hours and hours for me to consider him a musical genius, John Grisham, hours and hours in front of the his computer to be able to hold me at his attention from cover to cover. I am no running expert, but I have spent well over 10,000 hours and miles into before I could finally call it my own, why should me wanting to write more often be any different than my desire to run. I know that to get better I have to put in the miles. To become a better blogger that some of you might actually enjoy reading, this will be the riff-raff that had to come first.

It is with this in mind that I stripped down to my naked self it is then that I am most comfortable, (Clothes are annoying and often get in the way) Selected my all too often played Jason Mraz Playlist (I am happiest when his extraordinary voice is filling my ears and my head with fantasies) and set out to write this entry. Though this entry it isn’t anything explicitly inspirational, I wrote it and I am now approximately 9,999 hours closer to becoming an expert in blogging. And you all get to read the progress hour by hour, entry by entry.

I wonder if I would still be as enthralled with the above mentioned Jason and John if their earliest works were available for my viewing pleasure. I wonder what my English teachers would think of my grammar. I wonder what my mom and grandmothers are going to think about my use of the word fuck in my entries. I imagine when I get really comfortable in my blogging the swear words will increase ten fold. I am confident that the grannies and Mamma Julie will continue loving me despite my affluent use of four letter words.

Yours in Nakedness-

Magz

And It Was Born

I always wanted to be a writer. I used to watch Sex And The City wish that I could make my thoughts come out in words that sounded as beautiful as hers. Significant others from the past would write poems and songs and I would envy their ability to express their feelings in such a meaningful and honest way. When I came to college it became a secret obsession of mine, writing passing moments of some creative thought down in my notebooks, hoping that it would blossom into a poem or something more later. They never did. My senior year I would spend countless hours on my computer writing thesis papers wishing while the music was playing in the background that something more insightful was coming out of the constant tapping of my fingers on the keys.

So today, I had an idea. A rather profound idea, perhaps the most profound idea I will have for a long while. I am currently in the middle of what seems like endless waiting for the Peace Corps to tell me what happens next. I constantly have thoughts rolling around my head about it all. And I have never been more serious about the use of the word constant in my whole life. Always wondering. What is going to happen? What if I am not good enough? What if my friends have all forgot about me when my two years are up? What if, what if, what if?

Well today I have decided I will blog about these thoughts. I need no one to read it. I need no one to approve of it. I just would like to write. Write about all of it. Especially right now when the Peace Corps is teaching me patience. Patience is really just time, and time is a fools game, and I am a fool with a computer, so alas For Karma’s Sake is born. Beautiful isn’t it?

So now the question is where am I at in this whole thing?

Online Application- Completed

Letters of Reference- Completed

Interview- Completed

Background Check- Approved

Dental Evaluation- Approved

Medical Evaluation- Approved

Placement- Pending ... Pending ... Pending

I have been waiting for my placement letter for a little over two months now...I think. This is by far the weirdest part of it all for me. I feel like everything up until this part happened at whirlwind speed, I turned in my application and then letters of reference then the PC called to schedule my interview. Amazing how quick that all happened. At the end of the interview I was told that I would be a great nominee and my medical packet was in the mail. From there I did everything that packet told me to in record and time. Now all I can do it wait for the letter or the phone call to tell me where I am going and when I am leaving so. Well I think that is going to round up my first official entry. I don’t know how much I like the word blog now that I am writing it. I like journal better. Perhaps I will get used to it.